Realm · of · Illusions

I think its funny that you even mentioned not to wake up early today but I still did. I woke up to thinking about you. I sat here for an hour just kind of thinking about various things. It's 6 right now.
I don't really know what to do. But going by my feelings, I want to be with you. I know that for sure. I don't know whether the current events that came up are making me feel a stronger pull or what, but I felt like... last night when I got into bed. It just felt empty. It's like you're turning my world upside down. Before... I was just willing to put up with my one-sided feelings and in fact, I think that was easier for me. Because... in that case, I just think about and for myself without anything confusing me, without anyone really affecting me. But... it's not to say that I'll be happy going back to that state right now.

I think I just got really scared. The other night, when you were talking about everything, you started to frightening me. You know what you want.. far better than what I know about what I want. You know what you want in the future as well and it's not a bad thing that you're thinking so much about everything. It's what people should do right? I mean, especially in relationships. In the beginning, we just have to really consider things to see whether it would work out or not to avoid confusion and hurt afterwards right? I think, I just didn't think that. I didn't know what I wanted in the future, I didn't even know what to make of anything you said that night. And when that hit me, I got so nervous because up until that point, all I knew of what I wanted was just to be with you. And for me, that was sort of the furthest I really thought. So when you started talking about us after Japan and in years later, I didn't know what to think of it. I know what I want in the future for myself and everything, I've thought it all through except the relationships and things pertaining to it. I just thought 'oh well, I don't mind being alone' so I just went with that.
But I realize, that since you know what you want now and in the future, it makes me really nervous. I don't like failure but most of all, I don't like failing expectations. And I've done that a lot, but I still hate it. But, talking about the far future, made me feel nervous and pressured sort of... about expectations that you have for us. I mean, it's good but at the same time... scary...

God... I don't even know what to think anymore. I feel like... I want to be with you... but when I do think about everything... about your ideas of your future and about myself, I feel like, maybe we shouldn't be together. I don't like this feeling. Why does it have to be so complicated? I think we differ in what we want really. What we expect of each other. I think, you're ready to really settle down with someone. When you mentioned how you're not looking for a 'fling' I realized you were really serious. And how you're ready to just settle down and have a family. Not to say that I'm in it for a fling or whatever. But I don't know if I'm still that serious about everything. I just thought to myself that I just want to be with someone. I want that comfort and that affection. I can't settle down yet. I don't want to. So the most I thought was... lets just be together. Without pressure, without expectations of the future. Let's just be together and we'll see what happens. Not that I want to go into a relationship with negative thoughts or just... start out with my head looking for a downfall... but when we say one thing, something else might happen. We might be simply drawn to each other now, but who knows what will happen if we were really in a relationship. What if you realized 'I made a mistake?' or what if I thought the same. What if everything jus wasn't working out? I mean, theres a possibility to that too right? I mean, I think it's amazing that you're preparing for everything and it's so mature of you. I want to do the same, but I don't at the same time. I want things to go as they will naturally. Not to say, I don't want to think ahead for anything. But I want my feelings to take me the way they want. But I think... you're right. Somehow somewhere in my mind, I think I feel like your feelings for me are much stronger than mine. And it makes me feel sick. But when I was alone last night, I thought, no... theres no way that your feelings can be stronger than mine.

Writing all this down makes me realize that we're really different in what we want. I don't know if it's a good thing or not. God... now that I'm thinking of everything, I can't really think of anything else. I'm up early -_- I'm going to be tired at Shidouka... I'm going to be at schools, I'm going to be busy. This entire situation with us shouldn't exactly be taking priority and I think it's the same with you. I wish my life could stop right now so that I had time to really think about everything thoroughly.

Maybe you're right. We should just be friends now. I just wanted to write down my feelings... I just wanted to be honest with you. You're the first person to really 'know' me for me... to like me for me. And it's just so different from anything else. I think this is the dilemma with me. Sometimes, I want to be with you, sometimes I can't see myself being with you. But when that thought strikes, I think, I do want to be with you. But it scares me so I start telling myself the reason that I can't be with you. It's conflicting, and it's bothering me so much. Then I start thinking... why do things have to be so serious? Why can't we just be together because it's what we want. Why do we have to think so much about everything. Christ -_- this email is like a mind regurgitation.

I wonder if I should send this... I want you to know how I feel.. what I think. I want to be honest with you. Absolutely truthful in everything I say. But I'm scared that after you read this.. you'll hate me. Maybe that might actually be a good thing at this moment. At least, then I'll know how to feel about everything and what to do. fuck... what do I do??

This weekend was surprising... unexpected... shocking.... terrifying... amazing... who knows. We feel the same way for each other... but of course, from the email I sent to her, it's obvious that... I'm the one who's scared. We just talked... she says 'now it's easier for her to let go' When she said that, I think a part of me was really sad. I wanted it to work, but I guess I was trapped in between a dilemma of yes or no. The pros and cons of our relationship if we continued. Pro: I'd be happy. I will have someone who loves me for me. Someone who accepts all my flaws and my past. Someone who will be with me. Cons: Myself... my own thoughts. My fears of actually committing. My fears of how my family would react if they found out. The sacrifice and the hurt that I would have to make.

Somehow, sounds like Cons are more huh? Honestly though, she was talking about us going on... how our families would feel about everything, how she's willing to sacrifice that. How we'll end up being together. It was terrifying to hear all that. And here I was thinking I knew everything there is to know. I never thought about it now that she brought it up. I mean, I never thought about having to tell my family. I never thought that far. I don't want my mother to know, I don't want to hurt her. I never want to do that. And then... I know this would be the biggest hurt I could ever commit on her. Anyway, but about Sarah. I don't know what to feel. I really want to be her, and at the same time I don't. When I see her, I don't want to be with. When I don't have her, I need her. When I have her, I don't know how to feel and I'm trying to let go of her. When I don't have her, my thoughts go to her. I would have someone in the world who accepts me. It's difficult to find someone like this. I didn't know. When I think about not wanting to be with her, the thought pops into my mind... 'what if you're throwing aside the only person in the whole world who will love you for you?' and it scares me and I want to hold onto her. But when I have her with me, I think to myself if it's worth everything. Am I willing to risk everything? Can I even be with her at all? Can I look at her without feeling like I shouldn't be with her? There's just too much negativity going on if we were together, I think. But now that she says... 'it's not worth it and it's easier to let go' it makes me want to grab her back. I can't decide how I feel about her. I can't think about it at all. I want her, but I don't. I want to be with her but I can't face the fact that my family will find out. What the hell am I suppose to do? Am I seriously going to marry some random person just so that my mother will be happy? I was okay with that idea honestly because I didn't know how to feel about anything else. I just know that I don't want to hurt her.
Why did it have to be complicated? Why did it just have to be like this? I think also, I'm afraid of the commitment. If I were with her, I can't promise my eyes won't wander. I will wander, my mind will wander, when I'm with her, I will think of other people. Though I will never do anything. And that's unfair for her and so I think maybe, it's better this way. Geez... I'm such a terrible person. I want to have someone with me, so that she can provide me affection and love. So that I have someone I can do the same for. So that I can be with someone, so that someone will love me when I feel it is so difficult. But... it's all for selfish reasons. Do I just want to throw her aside after she leaves Japan? Honestly, that's what I thought. I thought we would just date for the year that she's still going to be here. I wonder if I hurt her now. But a part of me is too prideful to apologize because I think she hurt me the most too. I don't know... I'm the bad one in this relationship. I shouldn't even complain about being hurt. But I don't know what else to do. I want to shut off my mind now so that I can concentrate on work. Okay... soon.

She stayed with me this weekend and while we were sleeping together. The magnetic pull was so strong but I couldn't decide what to do. I wanted to hold her and to be with her but my mind... my mind was just telling me something else. So in the end I didn't do anything but that night, everything was terrible. I couldn't think of anything. I couldn't do anything. In the morning though, she finally held onto me and I wanted to be with her. Just to nestle close to her. But... when I got up and looked at her, I don't know. I felt guilty... and bad. The affections that night were so strong, the pull so strong for the both of us. And yet... when I woke up, I felt different. I don't know. Do I even like her? Did I start liking her only after she told me that she felt the same way? I mentioned it at her closet that day. I don't think I meant it that much, I was rambling. She took it though and then I wondered to myself, did I seriously feel that way? Then she confessed to me at that walk/run and then I was shocked. I didn't know what to think. Did I start liking her a lot after that? I don't really remember... or am I just trying to justify myself because I know the truth? And the truth is... yes, I only started liking her a lot after she confessed to me. Is that the truth? I don't know. I wanted to just hold her though, I want to touch her and hug her.
I don't know. and I think, I won't care anymore. Let me shut down my brain, let me shut down my feelings. I wanted to be with her but the cons over weigh the pros. This is the best right? Yes... it is the best.

Jasmine You from Versailles has passed away. Haha... oh my god... I can't believe it. My throat is clenching up and I feel like crying. Why... god... it's so random and so... wtf-ed. He passed away yesterday? I don't know... I can't really think of anything. Oh my god... Jasmine You... god... I loved him >< Aside from Kamijo, he was my favorite member of Versailles. It's just so shocking... knowing that I've also seen him before in concert, having seen him and watched him play his soul out onstage. How could he have passed away just like that?! I knew he was having physical problems or something that caused him to take a break from any band activity but... why is this happening? Jasmine You?... god no... this really can't be happening. I was ready to watch them in concert here too now that I'm finally in the same country... how can this happen? What the fuck is going on!? Why is everyone passing away?! I can't believe this.

God I wish from the bottom of my heart that he rests in peace.

I still can't swallow the truth... this is so awful. The world lost one of it's best musician!! >

Today is Sunday. I woke up and made lunch all by myself =) It was good except I put too much soysauce in the meatballs last night it came out a little too salty. But overall, it was good. I called Angel over to have some and she said it was good except it was too salty =P
We went to the video game store after that and she bought the taiko game!! I bough a dvd player... wanted to buy more stuff but I guess I'll go on my own so that I wouldn't feel like I'm being slow or time constrained. Anyway, after we came back, I went over to her place to play taiko. It was really fun! I'm thinking about whether I should get a wii or a PS3 -_- and it's really bothering me. I want to play Rockband or guitar freak or whatever. Gosh -_- which one should I buy? I don't know. Anywho, afterwards, I went to Yamada Denki and nittori to get a couple of stuff. Bought myself a kitchen mat, a bathroom shelf, an ironing board, a water boiler thing. And when I came out of the store, it was raining -_- and loading everything onto my bike in the rain sucked~ The ironing board was sticking all outta the place and my water boiler thing was all weird. And I was riding in the rain, but I did bring an umbrella. But I have to say... it's SO hard riding a bike with one hand on your umbrella and another one steering but occassionally having to make sure that the things in your basket doesn't fall out.

HAHA it was fun though because I made it back without any casualties. In the beginnin, I was seriously doubting the fact that I could have made it without getting lost and stuff. But I'm alive and well =D only having slight tummy problems. Not big... but I wonder if it's my food =P HAHAHA that would suck. Okay... well, gotta get ready for work tomorrow. We have a kenshyuu tomorrow so I have to dress up nicely.

What a weird turn of events. I felt like I was on an ultimate high these past few days! Totally getting to know my co-workers... totally having fun at work, having fun hanging out and laughing. I went and chilled at Sarah's yesterday and we just talked for hours. I told her that I was planning to just stay a bit until 11 because I wanted to sleep early. I ended up leaving at 3 am -_- and dead tired because after a shower and getting ready, it was almost 4. And I had to wake up at 7 to get to work. Totally sucked today... I was exhausted and my supervisor caught me stealing a couple of zz's at work. She asked if I was alright =P haha but anyway... I had a wonderful time though. I talked to Sarah about a lot of things... thinking processes, past experiences, I opened up like SO quickly I felt myself totally WOWed... anyway. I was really happy and I felt like, somewhere somehow, I just felt so close with her that I just told her practically EVERYTHING without hesitation. I don't know whether it was real genuine 'trust' or 'connection' or 'vibe' or if it was just because I was tired off my ass and we know I get really talkative and weird when I'm tired.
Anyway, thing is....I guess i was on that high and now suddenly, I've fallen and I feel sick and sad and angry all at the same time. I just hung up on skype with my mom. I feel sick, annoyed at her... at myself, angry and sad all together. I shouldn't be annoyed with her, but I will admit, I think I am. She kept making these comments about how disgusting I looked and stuff. Granted, I know what she's saying is true because I haven't been sleeping well and I don't look too good myself. But she just kept going on and saying how sickening it was and all that and it made me feel so sick of myself and so sad and angry. I mean... she's half way around the world and I feel weird without my mother (I know... but this is really my first time OUT on my own) and I miss her, I need some sort of support, some sort of loving going on since I don't get that here. I mean, I have friends but we've only known each other for a week or whatever... but I need some real affections and stuff and here my mom goes on about all these terrible negative comments to say to me and I just felt so sick of myself. So angry at myself and angry at her for saying all these things to me. You know... I'm still trying to justify her side of the story because I always have an aching feeling after saying something bad about her... and I always feel disgusted and worthless of a daughter if I think anything negative about her. So even though I wish I couldn't, I know I will keep standing up for her and agreeing to whatever she says to/about me. That's just the way I am and I've always been that way. Whenever she said something, I accept it... I don't argue with her, I don't say anything back. I even mentally beat myself up if I dared think otherwise. But of course, this isn't for everything... for just simple conversational stuff, I disagree and all and it's fine. But when it's a little more serious or tense, I never NEVER think badly of her. I wouldn't dare say I hate her (and I don't... I love her more than anything) but I beat myself up if I even dared tread towards that direction. But here I am, justifying her side of the story and totally agreeing that I am disgusting to look at, that I'm so gross and something's wrong with me. *Sigh* it's ironic too since just a few hours ago, I was here preaching to Sarah about how happy I am with who I am and how happy I am. How positive I think life is. I don't know if I'm stressed... (truthfully, I don't think I am... I'm just getting all messed up). I'm sure a good night's rest would be good. But I wanted to cry now... Hahah I think I will actually =P It'll be good release. God... haha I'm such a sick person. I'm sad. Yup... I'm sad... save me. hahah well it's okay. Nothing can happen since I have nothing in my room to do anything with. My mind is slipping back into old bad habits. No no no no ><

Edit: after a quick shower... all is better. It's funny how fast my brain can shift. It's pointless for me to have had that ramble. All is well.

I'm working in a city called Yokkaichi in Mie prefecture. This is technically my 3rd day and I really love this place. It's beautiful and totally the bomb! It's not crazy city like like in Tokyo (which I didn't want because I can't stand that noise and fast paced lifestyle) and it's not in the middle of nowhere (which a couple of my friends are working at ><) but it's a perfect balance of wonderful =D

Now I'm usually not THIS clumsy but I think it's the lack of sleep or something but I've been an absolute klutz these past few days. The day I went to work for the first time, I wore these shoes I haven't broken into and as I was walking I knew that I was in trouble. My foot ended up having 5 huge holes in them where my shoe rubbed against it so much that now there's a definite caving in all those holes. It was the most painful thing ever!! I had a tour of the city that day too -_-
That night, I went to the market to buy things and I placed my basket on a little counter and it flipped over and all my stuff fell out (I was at the cash register too by this time) and I picked it up and as I was doing that, I knocked over this entire hook thing and everything fell down. I felt so embarassed and sorry!! I kept apologizing to the cash register girl who just kept laughing at me and saying it was okay (when I'm sure she's probably pretty pissed ><)

Today, I woke up and went to hyaku yen store all by myself and then I met Sarah. HOLY FREAK!! The rain is just POURING DOWN right now... I can hear it... omg >< It was starting to sprinkle when Angel, Sarah and I got home so thank goodness... damn... sounds like a storm >< anyways... so we were going to Jusco and we were taking this sort of tight road and there was a car coming towards us. So we rode our bikes to the side but the side, there was this gutter thing and I was so scared of falling into it but I didn't want to run into the car either and eventually, some weid thing happened and I guess I lost my footing on one of the pedals and my foot clipped against it. I was wearing sandals too because sneakers are too painful because of my 5 holes from yesterday. I was like 'oww..' but whatever. Until I started feeling weird and looked at my foot and it was covered in blood. I didn't think it was SUCH a big deal but it just bled SO MUCH! I used up a bunch of tissue trying to soak it up but then it just bled again and it totally covered my sandal, it was gross. So I asked Sarah and Angel to take me to a convenience store to get bandaids and after getting all that, I was sitting on the things on parking lots... I don't know what it's called but that thing so that cars will park before hitting that white thing. Anyways, I was sitting there wiping off the blood when this old man pulls up into the parking space I was sitting at. He got out and said something about seeing my butt sitting there and almost hitting it or something (it was a joke) After I apologized to him, he asked me what I was doing and I showed him my bloody mess. He started asking me what happened and all while I was trying my hardest to open this stupid antiseptic/antibacterial alcohol whatever thing to wash my wound. But I couldn't get it opened no matter what so I started using my teeth and he was all like 'woh... she's using her teeth' and I still couldn't get it opened, he just took it and opened it for me. His hands on where my saliva's all over (I felt so embarassed because he opened it in a second)... and he went into the convenient store and I was getting ready to put that alochol thing on (had to take a bit to mentally prepare myself for the pain) when he came out. He stood there watcihng me for a second and started saying something about the cigarettes he just bought. I wasn't paying attention and I couldn't really understand anyway. But turns out, he wants to put the tobacco in my wound. he peeled off a bit and was about to do it when I moved my hand and made him drop it. He kinda grunted with a smile (I was starting to fall for this old man... he's such a sweetie ^^) and he peeled another piece and just placed it on my bloody mess of a foot and I bandaged it up. He said that it would stop the bleeding and everything.. hurted like a bitch though -_- he was so cute though, he was like 'itai?' and i was like 'itai ><' HAHAHHA and then he asked where we were from +P he's so nice =P HAHAHAHHAH

SOOOO... from that weird experience, I learned that tobacco can be helpful ^^ HAHHA I remember that whole time he was talking about putting tobacco on my foot, Sarah and I were like 'is that okay?!' and I was like 'I hope I don't get addicted to smoking after this' HAHAH

On our way back from Jusco, there was this dog pooing and his/her owner bent over with this white little net/basket looking thing and I seriously was like '......what is that lady doing??... you're not serious?!' the dog was pooing into the bucket thing!! HAHAHAHHAHA I WAS LAUGHIN MY ASS OFF SOOO MUCH I almost fell off my bike again!! HAHAH OMG!! It was so funny!! The dog was just pooing into the bucket and it's not really a bucket but like a REALLY small net looking thing and I was like WTF?! I mean... I wish my dog would do that but damn... how much training would go into that?? It was like a dog toilet?! HAHAHHA it was so funny >< omg... okay... I'm going to go back to unpacking =D

Meeting the mayor and superintendent on Monday. I bought a yukata today for the matsuri tomorrow!!

It probably isn't going to really sink in?? Or has it already sunken in and I've just gone entirely numb that I can't feel it anymore!

I've been checking my email like a madman for the confirmation email that JET sends out EARLY april... Everynight I would peek at my inbox and see if anything pops out... nothing. Then I'd refresh the page and look again... on the one night that I decide "I'm just not going to check" my friend emails me on my other account telling me that he got placed as an alternative. I almost willed myself against not looking in my inbox because I was scared of what would come out. I'm going on vacation in two days... and I didn't want the "We're sorry to inform you that you have not passed the Interview... you sucked and we don't want you!" email looming over and depressing me and making my entire vacation week terrible >< and so I really really didn't want to look at the email.
BUT! Another part of me kept telling myself 'Oh you got it for sure!' Conceited right? But actually... even though I kept chanting it in my head over and over again, there was always that doubt that lingered not far behind, waiting to slaughter my conceit the moment I unconsciously stopped my chants.

A few days now I've been sitting home since I graduated... making occassional trips back to school for lab meetings and internship. But most of the time, I'm sitting here in front of my computer playing Sims or downstairs playing Rockband. Nothing nothing nothing... doing absolutely nothing. VERY unproductive... feeling like my life was forever going to be like this... actually... I wouldn't really mind. But the fact of the matter is... if I didn't get into JET, then it was time to look for a job when I got back from my vacation and it also meant, it was time to crack open some GRE books and study my butt off for the tests next year. Not so appealing huh? But then again, IF I got into the JET program, then that meant that I would be GONE! Gone from home for a year! And as 'momma's little girl' this sounds, I really can't bear leaving home for so long. No... scratch that... I can't bear leaving my mother for so long! Sure I lived on campus for almost 4 years... but practically EVERY weekend, I drove down back home to spend the weekend with my family. IF I got into this program, would I really be able to live without my family? So I was in a dilemma. A TERRIBLE dilemma... thinking of how to cope with either results.

SO ANYWHO... actually... just today I was feeling rather down on my drive to Riverside... feeling a little tingly on my skin... my skin calling out to me. I felt myself falling dangerously back to old and bad habits. However... erase that because now I'm numb and totally out of my mind!

BACK to the email. I finally decided to open it up. My curiousity seems to be my worst enemy. But on the contrary... there wasn't a "you suck" waiting for me. But I was looking all over the email for something that resembled "you got placed as an alternative" because that's what my friend got. And I thought he would have gotten in. He and I both had the same panel interviewers. We had the same Japanese teacher write our rec. and coach us throughout the whole JET application/essay/interview process. We both recieved our TEFL certificates... but here's what differed. I did the intensive TEFL program which squished everything into 4 weeks while he did the entire year program. Of course that meant that he got way more practice time than I did and he just finished which meant everything was still really fresh in his mind. I completed the program during summer and when the interview took place the following March, I practically forgot most of what I learned. So I thought that if HE got alternative, I either didn't get in at all, or I got alternative too. However, I didn't see anything that said "alternative" so I started scanning for "sorry" but there weren't any either. There was, instead, this weird thing that said "you've been selected as a short-list candidate". I read the email over and over again not understanding what a "short list candidate" meant... My mom was putting my clothes in my closet at the time and I just voiced out "I got... in? I'm not sure" My brother came in and heard me just wondering aloud to myself while my mom was asking "you got in? YOU GOT IN?!" My brother came and read the email aloud to me and called me stupid because my English was so bad that I couldn't understand what the email was saying (the irony ^^)

I looked to my mom who was now seated next to me on my bed... the same spot she sat when she first found out about my "bad" habit 4-5 years ago. She was looking at me and I was looking at her... I had my moment of freaking out... but at the same time, it was somewhat controlled... because I was still really scared that this "short listed candidate" didn't mean that I got in... so I was laughin with my mom going "I GOT IN?... maybe?! I DONT KNOW?! I DON"T KNOW!!" like a crazy person! It wasn't until I went to check on their official site that I found out... "short listed candidate" MEANS... "you got it" (why didn't they just say that?)
and THEN it was the REAL freak outs. My mom came back at told me that she knew all along because I worked so hard and her reading fortune thing told her that this year she was going to be separated from me. And when she told me that, she had this REALLY sad look on her face and I just teared up and I think she did also. I tried to suck it up but HAHAHA I couldn't really pretend. We hugged and I was laughing through my tears. It was happy though... and then she bounced out and started phoning the relatives while I emailed everyone who helped me!!

Wah... I'm exhausted but too excited to sleep!! FREAKING A!!! I can't believe it!! ><

Oh gosh... can't forget the part where I was sweating like a pig... I had just finished taking a shower too but I couldnt stop sweating because I was so excited/nervous/ahh god knows...
The ghosts have come to celebrate with me ^^

Today is the first official day AFTER finishing college!! WOOO I guess it hasn't really sunk in yet, feels like any other weekend, but the fact that it's a Thursday is kind of trippy ><

So it's an interesting story.. so, I had jury duty this entire week and it also happened to be finals week at school -_- so anyways, I only had on final on Wednesday, so I thought I would be alright. I called in for jury duty everyday and they said that I didn't have to go on Monday and Tuesday. I called then on Tuesday and told them that I had a final on Wednesday and that if I was picked, I wouldn't be able to go. The guy said 'I can't do anything about it... take the risk, maybe they won't call you on Wed?' HAHA but lo-n-behold...I get called for Wed -_- Mind you, I have already driven back to UCR and spent the entire day in the Rivera Library studying for the final tomorrow. So I drive all the way back home to show up tomorrow at the stupid jury duty thing. I wake up at the butt crack of dawn and go there to tell them to postpone it. Come back and then drive back to Riverside to take my LAST FINAL OF MY COLLEGE CAREER (Soc of Edu) at 3pm. So I fly there, making it back by 130ish... I have to do things before moving out... so I pack up the rest of my stuff in the room, throw it in my car, return the parking permit and by that time, it was already 215. I borrow my roomie's parking permit so that I can continue parking at the parking lot. I rush to my class by 250ish and do some last minute cramming. My teacher waltz in around 315 and I notice that there are no papers in his hand (not a good sign) He announces to the class that 'as many of you know... I was still trying to finish writin your exams... about.. 30 minutes earlier... and I had about... 43 questions written... and my brain kinda gave out. So question 44 is 'what is my last name' and 45-50 the answer is A' HAHAHHAHA we all blurted out laughing!! The sad thing is... these 6 gimmi-points might actually be 5 gimmi-points because surprisingly, no one knows the last name of our professor. Anyways... in addition 'we have technical difficulties... the copier is broken so we have to wait about 15 more min to get your finals printed out... in the meantime, lets do a study session.' HAHAH the whole entire time, was so retarded... I didn't want a study session because I couldn't take anything more in my brain and I wanted to get the test over with. Time slowly crawled by until it was 4 -_- That's when our tests were finally distributed... I finished by... 420-30ish and jetted out of there. Did the move out stuff and was able to go home by 5.

Back at home, it kind of slowly sunk into my brain that I have just finished the last final of college! I was now a college graduate?! NO WAY?! HAHAHHA I still can't really belive it!! It's kinda of scary actually to think that I'm finished!! Almost 4 years completed!! WOOO ITS A CRAZY FEELING!! It's like waking up and having nothing to do in your life anymore >< It's kinda terrifying... if this JET Program doesn't pan out... wtf am I going to do for a year!? I'm going to be doing research and internship... but still! OMG... it's crazy though!! I just hope I get it because if I don't, I don't know what I'm going to do! HAHAH but for now, I have a crapload of stuff to unpack! Mega cleanup of my room (which I haven't done for practically 4 years)... and a celebration to have!! FREAKING A!! IM DONE WIT COLLEGE!!! HAHAHHA omg... I feel old but not really at the same time... I feel different but the same?? I can't really describe the feeling!! I'm the first of my family to have graduated from college! I'm a new generation of college go-ers caz Jason's next!! OMG!! Almost 4 years!! Gone like that!! WOW!!!

I just saw the grade for my Soc of Edu paper and... o.O?! WHAT?! 98/100?! NO WAY?! I literally had to rub my eyes and look again! That paper was the MOST BS-ed paper I have EVER WRITTEN in my entire life!! How the hell did I get a 98?! I seriously wrote whatever on that paper because I procrastinated like there was no tomorrow! I should have started on it WAY early but I had my interview coming up and I was spending all my energy stressing out about it that I totally threw this paper to the side. My interview was the day before this paper was due and I thought that if I could just write a bit before the interview and finish it the day OF my interview, then I shouldn't have a problem... but of course, as my interview date approached, everything on my mind was set on that and I couldn't write concentrate on writting my paper. I did manage to scribble 2 pages or so but it was all crap because I couldn't find references an that meant that I totally didn't have time to read the articles either. Whatever... I just told myself that I'll finish the paper after I finished my interview in the morning, but of course, I was tired as hell because I couldn't sleep the night before my interview. So I was finishing my paper with a cloudy mind. I kind of imagine myself writing this paper drunk =P it seriously felt like that. Even now, I don't dare to reread what I wrote because I don't even know if I'd understand what I wrote. Plus, I was having the hardest time trying to get it to be the minimum page limit. God, so that meant I just wrote and wrote without know what I was writing... so... a 98?!

But you know what... this isn't good >< haha because I told myself that I'd be happy in these scenarios:

If I got into the JET program and failed the paper.
If I didn't get in the JET program but passed this paper.

Of course, there was the BEST scenarios where I'd ACE the paper as well as get into the JET program.
And the WORSE scenario where I failed the paper AND didn't get into JET.

I seriously pray that it's the BEST scenario ^^
Just gotta wait! I did have a dream that I got in though so maybe that's a good thing?

But recently, I've been thinking... if I really got in, I'm in for A LOT of work >< And I keep wondering to myself whether I'd really be up for it? Haha... defensive pessemist?? I think I'm starting to get confortable with the idea of continuing Psychology though? But that's what happened also after I turned in my JET application and was waiting for the interview confirmation.

Oh well =) I have the study for my final now... LAST FINAL on WED! AND IM OUT OF COLLEGE!! WEEE =D

So I stressed like hell for the past... ever since I found I go the interview... that would be like... 3+ weeks -_- so practically this entire month was full of stressing out. I practiced so much I thought I would have done amazing. However, I had my interview today in the morning. Don't know how it went... but hopefully it was okay. I wasn't exactly as nervous as I thought I would be... but I could have emphasized more points about myself. Dunno... I feel like I talked too much and perhaps didn't answer exactly perfect. But I smiled a lot and sat up straight. Throughout the entire time, touched my hair once only. Look at interviewers, shook hands and repeated their names... whatever -_- who knows.

I'm trying not to think about it much because what's done is done... but the more I think about it, the more I don't care =P HAHA I feel like I did pretty good considering how freaked out I was earlier about this interview. Sadly, I wasn't able to sing or do demo lesson plans that I worked so hard on >< instead, I was asked how I would teach 2 historical events -_- f-ing question -___- I totally didn't know what to say on that one. GOD DAMN >< I HATE THAT QUESTION!! i wasn't even ask to demonstrate my Japanese =*( But whatever... we'll see what happens. Sato-sensei said she doesn't know the panel who interviewed me but if she sees them tomorrow, she will ask for me. Dunnno if I really want to know? Outta the 3 other ppl who were interviewing at my time, I dunno... I feel like that Alex guy may get in? He's smile-y and really nice. The girl Alex... huh shrugs... and that Galaxy guy -_- dunno but his interviewer looked nice. Oh well, its over and done =) now time to bs my 7 page soc paper =P

I hope I can go >

Kinda creepy caz it's only a few minutes from where I live... The air is full of ashes and the smell of smoke seeps through every crack. I'm a little scared, though I keep telling myself that the winds have calmed down and find articles that say that they've calmed the fire down, I'm still a little nervous. I've even packed a couple of my stuff just incase an evacuation happens while I'm at school. At that moment, I realized, I don't really know what I'd take if I could only take a couple of things. Pictures? Mom and brother both say that it's unnecessary. But I think it's something we need to take. I don't know but I don't want the fire to crawl any closer! It's really scary!!

Let's start off really fast with a random little blurb: my Kaya drawing is nearing it's end and I'm quite happy with it. I think I may have been able to do better if I had more time (as in, I started on this earlier and had nothing looming over me like midterms and essays). But overall, I'm happy and I definitely think I'm improving on realistic drawings which is something I've really wanted to work on. I mean, I love drawing my anime styled stuff but I want some practice in other styles.

So today I had another training session with B. for the Charisma research project. She asked us to go in a little earlier so I did. I was among the 3 people there early and alas, B. has a video camera out again. So "oh boy". She had 2 of us go outside and work on last weeks decoding exercise while the one individual stayed inside, rehearsed/read this thing (commercial like speech) into the video camera. It was kind of scary and I apparently can't read -_- because I kept making up wordes when I stumbled over what to say afterwards (there were little cards in the back to keep me on track but still). Anyways, after it was all done and everyone did it, B. would ask for a high five which was really reassuring. Though I still uncomfortable in front of the camera, I think this is much better than last time. Then again, I wonder if it's because B. is the only person in the room and afterall, I do know her and she's not some random stranger. Anyways, it was much easier to deal with this this time around than the last time.

After that, we talked a lot about encoding and how we should express emotions. It's really interesting and honestly, B. gets SO passionate about this that I feel so moved by her words. She's so honest and true to everything and it really shows from her expressions. She's really expressive which I think helps, but she's also really motivated and inspirational. I really see her as a role model. She's such a sweetheart whose probably got the biggest heart out there that just wants to help people. When I was listening to her talk about how our simple expressions could really affect someone else, I was thinking about how terrible I've been up until this time. I mean, I honestly didn't think that my expressions would really mean anything to anyone. Who the hell would pay attention to my expressions? I mean, thinking to times when I would just walk to and from class with certain expressions, they aren't meant to mean anything to anyone but nevertheless, I learned that our expressions are ongoing and constant and there is no way that it's not affecting anyone else. (By the way, I'm not really reading to make sure that I make sense since I'm tired as hell from today) So anyways, main point today was that our expressions, our facial expressions affect other people whether we want to or not. People are social creatures and even though we might not be aware of other's expresssions, we are just instinctively wired to pick up on expressions and naturally just to respond to it. We don't think about things like "oh that person is frowning at me... he must be angry with me"... our brains just pick up on other's emotions and we mirror those expressions unconsciously and it's just a cycle. Anyways, B. started saying something about how people nowadays are just tossed aside like they're not people. People don't realize that influence and the power in our expressions. A smirk that we give off can push that person to bulimia. That frown/disgusted look on our face could really throw people down and we don't realize the power that we all have as individuals. Listening to her talk so passionately about how we should use this power for good really made me think about stuff. I mean, I know there were times that I could have given that smile to that one person who just looked miserable and even though I'm not putting myself on some pedestal and saying that if I smiled at her, all her problems would go away, but it could have helped. It doesn't kill us or hurt us to do just that. But I chose not to and just thinking back on all those times I could have helped but chose not to really made me realize how terrible of a person I've been up to now.

It's dumb to say this now and tell the world that I'm turning over a new leaf or whatever, but I really want to change. I will change and I really want to give that extra boost in people. I want to help people by simply reading and understanding their emotions and tuning my own emotions and expressions to help them. I mean, it's really powerful and it's terrifying to see how strong our expressions can affect our mental thougthts. We did a couple of long exercises working with making facial expressions (anger, sadness, fear, surprise, happiness, disgust) We worked on anger first and honestly, it was straining work. My face was exhausted after making angry expressions but what's scary is the fact that making an angry face because we're asked to really makes our bodies tense up and hearts race. You soon FEEL angry and you can seriously feel the tension on your neck, arms and legs and you start to get hot. Even though you know this is all practice, it's really scary how an expression can affect your body like that. But likewise, when we were practicing smiles, our bodies felt so much more lighter and relaxed. When looking at others with smiles on their faces, true smiles that is, you really do feel yourself loosen up and relax and it makes you feel a lot more jolly. But when looking at someone with a scary face, you start to feel all this negative emotion brewing between you two and it perpetuates that whole angry atmosphere. It was creepy.. the air in the room got all tense and stuffy when we were practicing the more negative expressions.

Anyways, makes me really believe the things that were mentioned in "What the Bleep do we Know". I always thought that movie was brilliant but a lot of it was beyond what I understood. Heck, I thought it was just a bunch of interesting ideas and laws that people who have IQs that are practically off the charts came up with. But there was that one part about the ice and how this guy put words like "love" "hate" "friendship" "blue" under these petri dishes with water in them. After he froze them and took it out and put it under a microscope, the petri dish with the word "love" stuck under it formed these beautiful icicle things. Whereas, the one that had "friendship" was really pretty too, not as beautiful as "love" but still nice. "Blue" just sorta looked normal but the thing that was shocking was the fact that the one that had "hate" written to it, the icicle thing was black and ugly and it was just horrible! I was like "WTF!" when I saw that part and when the guy was explaining that it had to do with the energy that we give off, I thought it was so bogus. I didn't believe it, but honestly, after this charisma thing that we're doing and what we're going over, I really believe that it's possible. Anyways, my homework this week is to give people smiles =P

Oh by the way, I went to Dr. Y.'s graduate school talk today. God -_- I think she's so hot... HAHAHHA probably one really major driving force that pushed me to go to this info session. Gah... so hot!! Too bad she's married to her partner +P haha but I think it's so cute that they're "married".. ugh... I'm jealous +P HHAHAH
OMG!! But you know what, J. and I went up to her to ask when her office hours were, she was like "I don't remember you really" (to J.) but she was like "I remember you... but I want to say Jenny?" and I was surprised that she would remember that much -_- because I only went to talk to her once and that was a hell of a long time ago. I wonder why she remembers me though? Because I look like a potential ambiguous person +P HAHAH I don't know.. but anyways, I'm going to her office hours next week and *giggles* I'm excited =)

Oh yes... I might lose the piercing that I got with Mayuko when she was still here *SOBS* For everything that it's worth, I REALLY don't want to lose that piercing!! It holds a lot of meaning to me (pathetic.. I know but it really is special.. TRULY special to me) but apparently, it got really infected last week and now I had to take it out. Actually, I took both of them out but since the bottom one was worse and I decided that I had to keep at least ONE of my piercings, I repoked my top one and I still haven't been able to pierce through the bottom one. God, it was one hell of a bloody mess -_- and it hurt like hell but I have one of them in now. I've had the top one longest so I didn't think it would have healed that fast but apparently, it closed up and so it was painful but I got it through. However, this bottom one... there's no way for me to get it through... simply poking a little and breaking the skin makes my ears bleed like no tomorrow. I really wish I can pierce it back instead of having to get it repierced -_-

I started on a Kaya fanart last night. I haven't drawn anything serious for... half a year I think. Ever since the end of Winter quarter of last year probably.. so ya... more than half a year!! My god... I forgot how good it felt to draw something!! I really missed it. I didn't know I missed it so much until I started yesterday. Honestly, I surprised myself when I felt how happy and excited I was!! Then again, maybe it's because I'm just excited about this fanart. It looks a lot better than I EVER imagined I could do after half a year + hiatus from drawing. I was so scared I wouldn't be able to draw a darn circle. Anyways... I have to finish it SOON before midterms next week. I have two next week -_- which means I have to read a lot this weekend and I probably won't be able to touch this drawing after this weekend because all my time will be devoted to studying. Anyways... this fanart was such a last minute decision. I totally had NO IDEA that the PMX con was coming up in a week! And Kaya is performing at PMX... and there's a autograph/panel session so I decided to give him a gift. Since I can't make anything and I don't know what he likes (so I can't buy him anything.. but then again, I'm against buying celebrities/musicians gifts because it seems so impersonal) I decided fanart is the only think I can really do. The last realistic musician fanart I drew was for Kamijo when he went to Fanime in SF.. that was 2 years ago.
Initially, I was thinking about writing Kaya a fan letter, but my Japanese isn't that great -_- So I don't think I can convey my feelings to him that way +)

Anyways... so that's that.. I hope I can finish soon!

SO!! I have a funny/scary story!!! This Monday 11.27.08 at 4:30am, someone was knocking like hell on my door. I woke up and was like "wtf -_- what time is it?" I thought the hall was on fire or something because someone was furiously banging on our door. Then I thought it was my roommate knocking because she might have locked herself out when she went to the bathroom but I turn around and she's sleeping. So I was like "-__- omg.. who the hell is knocking!!" I thought the person would stop but no... the person just starts knocking even louder and even shaking out doorknob so I was really annoyed. I opened the door to see just what the hell was going on (I know it was dumb because this is when people get raped and killed -_- I know.. but at that moment, I was still half asleep and annoyed out of my mind) and there was some random guy. He sorta wiggles pass me and just walks into our room!!! And I'm like WTF?! And he just plants himself on my bed and goes to sleep and mind you, I have NO IDEA who this guy is. So I'm like "uh.. wtf are you doing? Get out of my bed. Get out of my room!" And I was pulling at his arm and he was like 'OMG! Just go to sleep" and I was like "uh.. I can't! You're sleepin in my bed!" I guess I should have been a lot more aggressive.. but I was pulling him and getting him to leave. I asked if he was drunk and felt his head.. he wasn't. I asked him what he was doing in my room and he said something about his roommate so I thought something happened. But nothing did and he wouldn't leave -_- he even tried to pull my blanket -___- anyways, at that moment, I realized that I got my period -_- so I went to the bathroom and kinda sat there wondering what I should do. (It was later that I realized how hilariously dangerous it was that I left my roommate sleeping with this random guy in my room) I went to my RA's room and started pounding his door. He woke up and I explained what happened. I sorta just wanted him to go in my room and get the guy out but he had to call the RA on duty. It's like 5am by now and we're waiting for the RA on duty.. my hair is a mess, I'm in my PJs with my contacts and retainers... but we're waiting there and just totally wondering how random this situation was. So the RA on duty comes and does a write up and asks me what happened. I had to explain this story a 2nd time and each time, I just felt stupider and stupider -_- it was something SO random and so bizarre! As we started walking towards my room, I suddenly had the weirdest and scariest thought, "what I dreamt that some random guy came in and when we get to my room, I'll realize that it was all my imagination!" Anyways, we went in and turned on the light (by this time, I woke my roommate up) and there he was.. some random guy sleeping on my bed and on my DUCK >< My RA FINALLY woke him up after a couple of tries and the guy just sorta opened his eyes... went back to sleep then opened his eyes again in shock and I guess he realized what he's done. He just quickly ran out of my room and my roommate and I were just left with this "uh... what the hell" look on our faces. We tried to go back to sleep but we couldn't. It turns out that the guy's excuse/reason was that he hadn't slept in awhile so he was really out of it and just went to the wrong room. Honestly, I don't know if I believe that... I kind of do because he did seem like he just got the wrong room, but I don't know... how 'out of it' must you be to be totally unwakeable?! Anyways.. it was an interesting experience... I'm just a little annoyed he hasn't come over to apologize yet -_- but then again, I would be embarassed out of my mind to even want to see my face again if I were him. Turns out, he lives a few doors down from me.
So this is a story I will be able to tell for the rest of my life I think. But then... when I told my mom, she got all mad and lectured me. But I understand why she was worried. Someone told me that day that "you can laugh about it now because nothing bad happened" and I realized how right she was. If anything DID happen (and thank god it didn't) I wouldn't be writing this right now. So yes.. good learning experience! NEVER OPEN THE DOOR FOR STRANGERS. I can't believe that lesson popped right out of my head at that moment.

First of all, This journal is at a turning point! I've decided to post my experiences in this research here on Livejournal.
Initially, I created this account for the sheer outlet of my unstable and turbulent emotions, to draw audiences into my ups and downs (mainly through downs though because I seem to have a better sense of writing and sounding poetic and romantic during this period). However, since the creation of this blog, I've recovered and realized that I'm not as depressed as I used to be, which would account for the lack of entries or the large time gap between every entry. While I record my dreams, thoughts and all the things that happen to me in my Xanga account (privated of course), I feel a little guilty for depriving my Livejournal. Therefore, I will record my expriences from this research project I am currently participating in. It's going to be big part of my last fall quarter (I know it!) and it's going to impact and change me for sure, so of course, it must be recorded for myself.

So I'm participating in a research project that deals with charisma. When I first read this, I thought it was a research assistant opportunity so I instantly sent an e-mail back to say that I was interested. Besides, it was being conducted by my Psych 02 teacher who I really liked. I was personally asked to be part of the project (the first week, I was estatic! Me... personally asked to be part of the project!! This is great! Research experience finally!) But alas, it turns out to be a research project that needs participants. I'll admit being a little disappointed when I heard this, but this topic, in and of itself, was of great interest and I was pretty captivated by the things that we would be doing. So to hell with the research experience per se, I'll just help out as a participant. The research itself dealt with the management of your presentation and how to be more charismatic and leader-like. So we'll be working to improve ourselves and the way we can present ourselves as more charismatic.

So last week, B. had us go in just for a little debriefing and had us sign the informed consent. I was really excited as was B.

Today I went in for an assessment. Thinking that it would just be the same as any other assessments (record your current mood, etc). However, B. told me that in the other room was 3 exchange people from 3 different universities. I am to present to them a persuasive speech about why they should come to UCR. I was given 20 minutes to think up things to say and then after that, I had to present. When B. told me this, I was like "20 minutes?! That's not enough time!... besides, I don't even know what to write!... I don't know why UCR is that great? I don't even think its THAT great." But it's not like I had any say, so I pulled a bunch of stuff together, at the same time, telling myself that I would be okay. Plus, I was able to write stuff down. I found a lot of reasons why UCR would be good, surprising myself, sort of. But I thought of this as a practice JET interview. If I could get through this (which I was starting to feel confident that I could) then I would totally succeed!!

However, when time was up, B. told me that I couldn't use my paper and so I started to panic a bit. I went in with the 3 people seated and a camera recording me. Of course, I was freaking out by that time. I didn't practice beforehand, I don't know what to say anymore now that my paper is gone and I was being recorded! I told myself, keep your hands downs and don't mess with them. Look straight at the people and don't look around. Don't stutter!! I think, for approximately 10 seconds I was able to do all that. After the 10 seconds however, everything fell apart. But I continued to talk, or try to talk. I was full of "um... uh... like... uh.." My sentences were so jumbled and I don't even know what I was saying. I couldn't get the words out and I couldn't make pretty nice sentences that could convince even myself.
After awhile, the guy asked me something about my own experiences with the school. I don't think I really answered his sentence but I just said whatever. I made a bunch of grammatic mistakes, didn't know what to say so I was making it up on the go. Towards the end, the girl asked me "if I was a straight A senior, why would I come to UCR?" When she asked me that, I honestly froze. I couldn't think of one good answer. Hell, I thought "if I was a straight A senior graduating from HS, I WOULDN't come to UCR" Because that was what I honestly believed, I couldn't think of a good lie to tell even myself. It was terrible. I think they could see that I didn't know because I couldn't even say anything out. I mumbled stuff, looked around and seriously just couldn't answer the question. I started a sentence then stopped, then opened my mouth and said "um... uh... I think... um... ya.. well.. ya" HAHHHAHA I guess, now thinking back, it's kind of funny. But at that moment, I was totally humilated and terrified. I felt stupid. But I don't really know why I felt stupid, I guess, I just felt unprepared and embarassed for not being able to say anything.

Finally, I told that that was it, I didn't know what else to say. I was about to cry out of humilation! I totally understand how people cry out of humiliation now! Anyways, B. took me into her office and asked me how it went. I told her that I did horrible! I think part of it was because I, myself, couldn't believe how terrible and unprepared I was. I was scared and terrified too. But B. reassured me that everyone had to go through the same ordeal and that it was really terrifying, she could understand. She told me that she would have cried too. But I told her that if she gave me more time to prepare, I would have had the time to cry. But since I was only given 20 min., there was no time to shed tears. She asked me about what I thought I did good in and I honestly didn't really have an answer. I told her though that I said everything I thought was important but I guess it wasn't good enough because I didn't focus on other stuff, only things that I thought were interesting. But she said she was really proud of me. Asked me for a high five which relaxed me.

So after I left, I was left with this sense of humiliation still but also a revelation of sorts. I thought stuff like this would be easy and that I could do it, no problem. But thank god, I realized early on that it's not as easy as it seems. So now, equipped with this terrifying and humiliating experience, I can only work my way up and improve myself. Say if I did get the interview for JET, then I'll be more prepared.

GO GO!!

Fleeting thoughts.... empty... everything seems so empty. My body feels empty as if everything inside suddenly caught flame and burned away. I even had to cut at the case just to make sure that there was something left. Why.. why do I feel so empty. This nostalgic feeling... has taken it's familiar path to my core. A path it never forgets... it knows just where to penetrate, where to burrow deep. I feel so empty... I can't seem to concentrate, my thoughts, my emotions, all thrown into a whirlpool of hazy dark clouds. How long has it been? Two years? I've broken this secret vow.. thought there has been times when I was so tempted.. just so tempted, so sad, so lonely, so angry, so afraid... there were so many times like that.. but why.. why today? When all seemed well, when all seemed perfect... why today? This day.. of all days to break me.
I laid there in bed, my mind rushing, my eyes wet, my throat dry. The taste of vomit remains, the burning sensation in my mouth remains. I remember being angry... frustrated... so frustrated.. I laid there, listening to the music that played, sang.. whispered... suddenly, closed my eyes.. felt my body rest, my spirit falling asleep. "I want to sleep forever" my mind spoke, "society is a hypocrite" I hear the crack in his voice... I dragged it across me, I really did... and such nostalgia.
I was there yesterday, I knew something was wrong... I laughed... but I also cried. I cried, but I hid my face from them. I laughed harder to make it seem like the tears were from the laughters. I cried... but when my face emerged from behind the paper, I painted a smile. Then I sat there, listening to her talk.... talk about her future, her plans, her... ideas. Heard her talk.. and felt myself waver, felt myself reminisce.. the feelings of the past crawled out then. The empty, confused, lost, lonely, afraid... it emerged then. I listened even harder, screamed for myself to stop thinking, stop listening. I exposed myself a bit after she left... I exposed my thoughts.. my sudden loss of confidence, sudden breaking of my barrier. It was so loud.. I could hear it.. so loud it began to hurt me. My mask... my persona? My reality... my fantasy? I don't know what is what anymore... but I played my part perfectly up until then. I played it so well... and in that single moment, my confidence wavered... it came crashing down. My confidence? No... my entire three years... these straining years of burying... like heavy rain, washed away the dirt... my corpse lays exposed.
When will this end? I can't do anything, I can't concentrate... I can't do anything.. Lay me down to sleep... and never wake me up.
That's what happened, I didn't have time to feel... these three years... I didn't have time to breathe.. no... these two years... I didn't have time, so I repressed... I did. Everything eventually returns... it does... and it hurts.. this nostalgic yet lost feeling of misery. "I'm sorry for leaving you alone for so long."

In effort to console myself.. I must make myself think of things. I must think of the positives.. for I know the consequences of leaving these thoughts unattended.

In effort to console myself. She and I are strangers.. she doesn't know me well enough to start hating me just yet. I still haven't lost all chances. I am being unreasonable, I know... but these thoughts are flooding my mind and I am fighting desperately against them. My mind and heart are my greatest enemies. Mind, please shut off. I am driving myself into deeper anxiety... stop conjuring these thoughts. I can come up with so many negative reasons.. and yet, for each reason, I keep repeating to myself these positive remarks... In order to console myself.

I cannot sleep, I am kept awake, sudden thoughts erupt from my mind, tearing me away from sleep. She and I are strangers. It's a good and bad thing. I want to mean something... mean something positive... and yet... I dont want to mean anything... when I mean nothing, she won't have a negative perspective of me. Stop thinking... Stop these thoughts. I need to sleep.. and yet, I am so terrified of falling asleep. If I let my grip loosen, my mind will be free to roam. My mind will awake in images and scenarios. I can't relax. I feel so tense, everytime my phone vibrates, my heart erupts and I frighten myself. My heart beats so quickly and even though I know it isn't from her, I have no way of convincing myself, my heart continues to race.

She and I are strangers... simple strangers... and yet...

I have fallen in love with the image I have created. I have fallen in love with the idea that was born from my mind. I have fallen in love with her... but not her. The 22 year old receptionist.. yes, I have fallen for her body. In a way that is hard to describe. I have fallen for the curves of her body, the childish innocence that seems to seep through every pore, the chiseled and defined features of her face hinting her European heritigate. I have fallen for those hands and her soft skin. I have fallen for her eyes, shy and enigmatic at the same time. I have fallen for her vulnerability and her strength, her confidence and her confusion. I have fallen in love with this girl I barely know, and yet, I know so much. When I speak with her, I feel as if I've known her for years. A sense of comfort for the both of us, somehow freeing me of all the restrains that I have bounded myself up in protection of my own wellbeing. But with her, I felt them loosen, I felt relax, unafraid of what might attack me, the tensions unwinding. I have have fallen for something that is not there. When we are apart, my mind revolves around her. I try to keep myself from thinking but the mere thought of NOT thinkin involves thinking.. and therefore, I can't help but find myself thinking of her in the end. In her absence and in my lonesome, I have generated a character that I see best fit for her. I know not how close this image is to her real self, but yet, I fall in love so much more with every new thought that enters my mind. If everything were to wash from my mind, I would not mind.. Cleanse my mind of this memory. Her presence in my mind is driving me to madness. The fear and the thought of never seeing her again gnaw away at my mind. If you could wash her image out, our encounter and our conversations out of my mind, please do. But please, do not erase her smile from my mind for it is what enchanted me in the beginning. Her smile radiates like nothing I have ever seen. It truly embodies her kindness and her gentleness. Her soft spoken words and her beauty all lie with her smile. If everything about her is unreal and simply romanticized by me, her smile is the only thing I have left untouched and unaltered. Please.. If I forget everything about her, I pray... do not let me forget her smile.